I dreamed of Steeler Women's Vaginas

I had the strangest dream last night. I was at West Side Market in Cleveland, 

waiting in line for a scrumptious Gyro, a jumbo, so large it could feed 3 girls

who'd been held captive for 10 years,AND their kidnapper.Anyway,I was waiting

in the long line when out of the corner of my eye, I see a young man pull out a gun. 

In my dream, I am fast, heroic, and have incredible Bruce Lee skills (which is the 

complete opposite of me since in real life I am clumsy,have no life skills,and have 

such a yellow streak running down my back, people think I have liver 

problems),and before you can say "excuse me sir, did you just piss your pants?", I 

scream at the top of my lungs, do a multiple back flip, wave my hands in a 

hypnotic fashion,and then do some serious Jeet Kune Do on the young man with 

the gun.He falls to the floor, gasping incredulously at my superior Kung Fu ,then 

grins wickedly as he grabs something in his pocket.His jacket opens to reveal a

fanny pack, no! It's a suicide pack! He's packed with so much plastique that if it 

goes off, the west side market will move to new Jersey, and who the fuck wants to 

move to New jersey? So, being the superhuman, multitasker that I am, I kick him 

in the head,and, at the same time,stomp on his goolies,and also call 911 on my 

cell phone. 911 is busy due to an accident between a truck carrying KY, and a van 

carrying illegal immigrants,and the police were having a helluva time trying to 

catch the perps.

Meantime, the young man is crying girlishly as I manly snatch the cell phone out of 

his trembling hand.His other hand is cradling his very bruised balls. Tears are 

running down his face as he bawls like a petulant child.

Around me people are running in all directions, screaming and hollerin,looking for

 the exits, except for the Gyro line, cos those Jumbo gyros  are that damn 

good.Damn the consequences!

Soon the chaos calms, and I wait with the patience of Buddha for the police to 

arrive. I stare with contempt at the cop in the gyro line,who shamefacedly shrugs,

and says."Not to worry fella, look, I'm next in line. And it won't take me that long 

to eat it,so, you hang in there, um...Bruce?"

"Bob,names,Bob."

"Bob Lee? Ohmygod,Bob Lee Sw-"

"No,not him,Fuck's sake. Hurry up! Hell, tell ya what, buy me a jumbo and I'll pay

 ya when ya get over here."

"Sorry, man, I don't know you from Adam.Besides, I only got enough for one."

I am seriously thinking of giving the young man his cell phone back.

Right then the young man screams " I failed! I failed!"

I turn to him, and say "Yup,you sure did. Won't be getting those 27 virgins in the 

afterlife. Know what you'll get? 30 Steeler Women. Pittspuke Steelers? You've 

heard of them, right? You watch football? The NFL? Yeah? Well,you're fucked , 

buddy.You're well, and truly fucked."

He looks at me with incomprehension,you know, that duh look that people get

 when asked to name the capitol of another country,any country,fuck, the capitol of 

another State fer christs sake!

"You ever see a Steeler woman's Vagina? I have. It something once seen, you can't 

unsee. I wake up screaming in the middle of the night cos once in a while I have 

flashbacks to that dreadful vision.

Lemme tell ya, there was stuff oozing out of it,and, I swear on my Brothers 

soon-to be- grave if he doesn't repay that loan that he used to buy his crackhead 

girlfriend a months worth of dreams, and getaways, I saw a tentacle slipping out

of that nightmarish orifice.

And I thought "Does she have Cthulhu up there?" 

 "Is that where all the Great Old One's are hiding? In Steeler Women's 

Vaginas?"

Just then, a vision hits me so grotesque, so horrifying, I accidentally switch on the 

young mans cell phone...

Then I'm in bed with 30 Steeler women,their vaginas gaping,oozing,and out of 

those awful orifices comes a sound "....Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Fucked up dream.huh? Don't know where that stuff comes from. I also dreamt that 

I did stand-up.

I FUCKING KILLED!

R.I.P Ray Harryhausen

Ray Harryhausen died May 7th,2013, at the age of 92.


The patience this man had to create some of the most iconic monsters in cinema

history still to this day amazes me.To meticulously move ,and, adjust each

part,whether it be an arm, leg, head, or,body, and photograph it painstakingly

through each little movement ,then bring them to life in film, was truly a

labor of love.

Jason And The Argonauts was the first movie that introduced me to the magic of

stop motion animation. Talos awakening was jaw dropping,and thrilling,but, the

Pièce de résistance was the skeleton fight. That scared me as a child,and the

screams of those skeletons sent shivers down my spine. The fight was epic, and I

can't even imagine the hours it took for Ray Harryhausen to get it right.


Man was a genius,and, his creations scared, thrilled, and, bedazzled me.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.



R.I.P Mr Harryhausen.

I Exist, But, Why?

I exist,but why?

 I wish I could take some pills and whiskey
 

And lay down on the sack
 

But,there's a large yellow line
 

Running down my back
 

I'm a coward,a wimp,craven
 

John Wayne I am not
 

More like a sniveling runt
 

Pissing in his cot
 

Oh, to put a rope around my neck
 

choke the dreariness out of me
 

Or, put a gun in my mouth
 

And blow out all the misery
 

What's the point of living
 

If your miserable all the time?
 

Slashing my wrists,bleeding out monotony
 

Is unjustly considered a crime
 

But, I would fuck it up, you see,
 

As I do normally in life
 

I'd drink myself into a coma,
 

And put capitol pressure on my wife
 

I know she loves me, and I love her,
 

But,life's a sham,a fake
 

Unless you're rich and powerful
 

Living's not a piece of cake
 

I'm full of rage, and hopelessness
 

I'm living in a rut
 

I see evil everywhere
 

I feel resentment in my gut
 

Where is all the good in the world?
 

Where is all the joy?
 

All I see is damp and gray,
 

Decay,destruction,destroy
 

I am at the end of my tether
 

At the end of the rope
 

 I see the end of the tunnel
 

I don't see any hope
 

There's only darkness there
 

No light,no other side
 

That suits me plenty
 

Cos who'd like a suicide?
 

I'd be damned to a living hell
 

Like being back in this Earth
 

And I would scream, stomp my feet,
 

And, curse at my rebirth
 

I would holler loudly
 

And grind my teeth in Rage
 

And I would figure out
 

A way to disengage
 

I would kill myself
 

again, and again, each night
 

Knowing that one day
 

I would get it right

Unstoppable cont.

It tried to kill itself. 

It did not eat.

It lay in that rotting womb,writhing in pain,shivering uncontrollably,silently 

screaming,and feeling hunger. But, it did not eat, it would not eat.It would 

starve.And, for what seemed like an eternity,though in reality was only a few 

months, it realized that it was not going to die. It did not lose weight, it did not 

gain weight.

It thought. 

It planned.

It decided.

It grabbed the dead creator's umbilical cord, now black,slimy,rotting,and took 

a tentative bite.
 
It gagged.
 
It ate more.
 
It became stronger.
 
It grew faster.
 
The more it ate,the bigger it became,and the creator had a lot of meat.
 
For the first time, It smiled.

A mengele for our times

Abortion Doctor-cruel and horrifying

This is beyond comprehension. This is something you read in a history book on WW2, or hear about in a third world country. Not the U.S.

This man is a monster, and he preyed on the poor,and uneducated.

Jesus,I have read some of the most disturbing fiction, but, nothing tops this.

Breaks my heart. Real life always breaks my heart.

Orgasm

At first, her mind was blank.Existence was all sensation. No thought entered her mind,only feeling.

Her nerves were on fire, and her skin was alive with electricity.Small little shocks

shuddered through her body,at first, then intensified. She trembled with desire,

and gasped out loud as the sensations became more fierce.

"Oh, my-OH!MY!-"

The depth of her excitement became even more extreme as she bucked and thrust.

Her eyes widened, and the bed was soaked in her sweat as she clamped the sheets

in her hands. Her sex was alive,ALIVE! It was if it were sentient, a personality

split from her own. It was ALIVE! AND IT WANTED MORE!

And, then, ecstasy.

It was as if the cosmos entered her. She saw stars, and galaxies,and nebula's,and

planets,she saw the universe,from the beginning,to it's anti-climatic end. She saw

shapes that shouldn't be shapes,tasted fruits so delicate in flavor to be almost

sublime,drank liquid that tasted of the Heavens itself,like drinking a rainbow,she

saw beings that were beautiful,and,yet,shallow,she saw creatures that danced upon

the stars,their skin changing colors,in hues she had never seen before,then she saw

HIM,and she smiled seductively,and he responds with  a wink,and a jig.

And all this time as she experiences space,her body abnormally bucks,and she

screams.Screams so loud it might crack the universe itself. Screams with with

pure, undiluted pleasure.

Then sighs,as her body relaxes.

"Wow!" is the only word she can muster,as The Doctor removes the Sonic

Screwdriver.

I Ain't Perfect

"Where's his face? Whadya do with it?"


"Placed it over one of them Gargoyles up above.Seemed the right thing to do."


"Why?"


"Cause he's a cunt, of course. Thought it'd be funny. Thing is, no-one's noticed,

have they? Fuckin thing's been up there hours, and not one person's even glanced

 up at it. All have their head's down, lookin' at the ground,hopin to find a penny,

or, an answer to the riddle of life. Sad, that. Fuck's up me faith in humanity."



"And his eyes,where are they?"



"Never you mind that,now.But, don't worry,I checked, they were blue,as you told

me."


"Blue? I said grey.His eyes were grey."


"Well, they were sorta bluish grey.Must've been the light.Kinda dim.Cheap


cunt,you ask me"


"And his penis? Where's that,then?"



"Up his ass, where else?"



"I need to see it."


"You need to-what?for fuck's sake why? Want to reminiscence? Take you back to


happier  times,or something?"




"Fuck you, Tramper. Just help me turn him over."


"Chrissakes. Here, I'll take the shoulders, you take the hip. After


3.one...two,,three!"


"Jesus."


"Hmm?Oh, yeah, you know how difficult it is to shove a flaccid cock up someones


dead ass? Ain't fuckin easy,lemme tell ya. Why, I had to use me finger-"



" No, that's it, no more information, Tramper,just take it out of his asshole."



"Huh? An ruin all me work? What the fuck, man. C'mon...-what,you want it for


yerself? Put it under yer pillow? Have the Dick Fairy send ya a couple of extra


inches?"


"I just want to see it! Please!"


"Alright, alright, keep yer knickers on.Jeez,were's your sense of humor?Up his


ass? Hold on. Ah, fuck,look at all that shit pourin out. Christ, the smell. Jesus!


There.Want me to wrap it for ya?"



"bollocks."



"Exactly."



"No, it's not him."



"What? Whadya mean it's not him? He's the right height,right weight, hair


color,hairstyle an everything's as you said"



"This man is circumcised. The man I want is uncircumcised. It's the wrong priest."



"Wrong priest? Is there a right one? Listen, I've probably saved some boys bum


virginity,y'know."



"Oh, Christ, we fucked up."



" Oh, no, I'm not takin the blame. You fucked up. You an yer fuckin wonky


memory."


"It was so long ago,things are hazy."



"You can't even remember the church."



"no, Saint-something or other."


"Are you sure you were assfucked? I mean, you do actually remember a cock up


your ass, don't you?"


"You're very crude, Tramper."



"Yes,yes, I am very fuckin crude, and I'd kill yer granny, and then rape her


dead ass if it meant some more money, but, this is number five, and these cops are


gettin antsy lookin for us. I mean we gotta lay low for a-."



"Just one more, let's look at St Malachy's.One more, tramper.Double the fee."



"Double? Fuck, I kill em all at St Malachy's for ya, for that kinda dough. What did


you do to get all that money? Win the lottery?"



"Actually, yes,that's exactly what I did."




"Well, ain't you a lucky fuck"


"Hmmm? yes,why,yes, I am. So, St Malachy's?"



"Fuck,why not,huh? As me old mum always said In for a penny, in for a pound.Of


course, there's the difficult step of gettin a look at his dick. Should we get a rent



boy? Have him describe it? Draw a picture? Should I tail him to public toilets?


Try to get a gander at his knob?"


"You could just politely ask him."



"Ha! Yer a funny man! I'll laugh later,when I'm counting me money."



"Let's go,Tramper"



"Yeah,but, let me put that cock back up his ass.Looks better that way. I ain't


perfect, but, I'm no slob...."